Dear The Hamilton Collection

I see your full-page back-cover color ad in Analog Science Fact/Science Fiction–the one for Poker Dragons Hold ‘Em or Fold ‘Em Collection.

Well, you know, my black velvet Elvis painting could use company–sure, there are the poker-playing dogs on one side, but there’s a shelf on the other that might be just right for these hand-crafted 4″-high poker-playing dragons.

Ooh, and I get a 4 3/4″-long table too!

Can’t argue with the price, which I read as “$28 each” (although the ad says $19.99* each, with the * leading to “Add $7.99 for shipping and service”). Of course, you don’t say just how many dragons it takes to complete the set–“and more” is nicely vague. Am I in for a low, low $132 (for four dragons) or $280 (for ten dragons–beyond which you really, truly need a second table).

“These intricately hand-crafted dragons are ready to play a fiery round of five-card stud and they have a seat open for you–if you’ve got the game!”

Um. Hmm. There’s a problem here. In that picture, each dragon is holding five “real miniature playing cards” cards in their claws.

So apparently dragons play a form of five-card stud that looks a lot like what’s called five-card draw among people. I think I’d be at a disadvantage in that game. So I guess I won’t order this after all.

Or maybe, just maybe, your copywriter should actually learn something about poker. I suppose it could be worse: It could say they were playing Texas Hold’Em.

Ah, but I love “collectibles”–not actually owning them, which I’d just as soon avoid, thank you, but the whole notion. “Each sculpture is limited to just 95 casting days.” Which means what? This set is apparently a “famous portrait.” I’m sure. Oh, and it comes with, not a measly 1-year guarantee but a 365-Day Guarantee. (Emphasis in the original.)

For the humor-impaired: My black velvet Elvis painting is also invisible…

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